In the Palm of His Hand

As I write I'm sitting in a government hospital with a 7 month old on my lap who refuses to eat. Jess and I are on the night shift and are taking turns sleeping and trying to make him eat. Although the situation seems a bit dire, I know we're both hopeful his appetite will kick in and he'll begin to actually absorb the things we're trying to feed him.

We're praying, and hoping, and giving him lots of kisses, and not sleeping.

But all this wakefulness is giving me a lot of time for thinking... and thinking is something I'm doing a lot of.

I've been dwelling a lot on being thankful. Thankful that God brought me here. Thankful for the immense homesickness and pain I experienced my first few months. Thankful for all He taught me through that time. Thankful that He continues to teach me even though it's not so hard anymore. Thankful that He still breaks my heart every day. Thankful for my children. Thankful for the itty bitty blessings He bestows on me all. the. time. Thankful for the friends he's given me who *get* me, and who *get* my hurt, my struggles, my heart.

Thankful that this has become home.

Being here, living here, loving here. It's still almost unreal. This huge and painful blessing God's given me for this season of life. I truly just sit back in wonder at our wonderful, merciful Savior. Who called me out - who still calls me out - told me to GO, and who gave me the strength to obey, and who provided me with the tools to obey, and who still gives me the energy to obey each and every day. He's orchestrated everything perfectly so all the glory goes directly back to Him. I can't claim any of this amazing life I'm living for myself. It's all Him.

And I love it.

I have now lived here for over six months. six. months. When I first arrived that time period seemed insurmountable. I wasn't sure I would be able to survive it. God knew better. I can just imagine Him shaking His head at my foolish mortal thoughts and gently whispering "Don't you know that I've brought you hear for My purpose, dear one? Don't you know this pain, this hurt you're experiencing is all for My glory? Don't you know that I am your All-In-All? Don't you know that I WILL sustain you, uplift you, keep you close in my arms all the time?"

And He did. And He DOES. Amazing...

Six months doesn't seem insurmountable now. Sitting here with this tiny bundle of life, six months feels like what it really is - a drop in the ocean, a short chapter in this incredible life I'm living. And not enough.

Good thing I'm here for three more.